whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
