I didn't shave. On purpose
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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