Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
