Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
