Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
