That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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