If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
