If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
