You really coming over, don't trick.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
