Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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