none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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