apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
