dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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