Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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