Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just googled if crying burns calories
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
