Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
