shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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