i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
