ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
