She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
