i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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