She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
