Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
