I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
