don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
