There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
