Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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