I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
