Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
