I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
