I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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