I'm drive I can fine osifer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize