Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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