Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I look better un-naked...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
