she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
