so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
