Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
