Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
