I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
