i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
