My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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