My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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