piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
