Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
