She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
