And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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