We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
