I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
