So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
