First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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