I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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