yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
