I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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