I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
