Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She bit a glass in half.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
