Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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